I finally did it!

I have officially lost my first 50 lbs. I said all along I was not going to reward myself with food! Well guess what? That night I got Popeyes chicken for dinner I had been wanting some for awhile. My husband had a choice between that or taco bell and he choose that! I was glad boy did I over do it! I still counted all the calories. And the icing on the cake was I had a piece of cake!! My middle daughters birthday was on wed and my oldest daughters birthday was on thurs. tomorrow we are having a party for them!! Chicken fried steak, gravy mashed potatoes, Mac & cheese, corn cole slaw, macaroni salad! So much food I'm not going to go crazy but I will
allow myself to splurge. I will not give up I will keep on fighting the losing fight.

Here today here tomorrow

I am still here. I have continued to control every morsel of food I put in my body. Even the samples they give you at warehouse stores!! I for the most part, have been able to stay under my calorie goals. I have not been losing weight as fast as I would like to but I have decided that as long as I can control my eating I will succeed. That is my ultimate goal to get to a reasonable weight. Something I haven't done for over 20 years. I am already starting to do so much more then I used to. I have more energy and stamina then before. I love it. I really feel like I can do this forever. I am changing the way I live my life......

Had a really great weekend!!

We were able to spend time with all of our kids on Saturday. Not all at the same time but at least we spent time with all of them. We went to breakfast with our girls. Then we took Kenzie clothes shopping. After that we came home cause my hubby wanted to get home to watch football!! I watched some tv. Took a nap because I woke up so early and went for the walk which was nice. I walked for an hour. Most of my breakfast was burned off before I even ate. That was nice. After my nap we went to pick up some fast food. I got a burger since I still had lots of calories. I ate a few of my husbands fries. I am satisfied with a small amount. Then me and my husband and son and his fiancé played wii! It was a lot of fun. I didn't go to bed till 2a.m. And had to wake up early to go to church. Tonight hubby and I played some more wii and i did a little of the wii dance. All in all a good weekend!! Love my family. It feels good to be active for a change.

I love my new life. The new me!!
We are going to the mountains in 3 weeks want to do more walking so I will be ready for some hikes when we go!!

Saturday

It's 7:30 a.m. I'm getting ready to go
for a walk. The only place I used to walk to at this time of the morning was the bathroom. Who is this person who wakes up after only being asleep for 5hrs to go for a walk?? I really don't know I have never in my life met her. I think I like her though. I hope she finally gets to the place she wants to be? Who knows where that is? Its been so long since she has been there. I don't think she even remembers where that place was? What it felt like? I think I'm going to go for that walk now I'm getting sad thinking about how she could have been here so long ago. How she has wasted so much of her life not being strong enough to get there. Even if she does she can't get all the time back that she missed............... The tears are coming down throat has a huge lump hard to swallow. I guess it's time to go.

The weekend again!

I can't believe it's Friday already I'm feeling pretty good. I am still doing good if I can keep it going for another month or so I will be so much more confident in my ability to continue to my target weight!! That will be so awesome. I can not wait for the day. I do know that when I get there it's not over. I will always have to be on too of my food intake. I will never be able to fully relax ever again. I don't ever want to be where I was!! Love being in control. Today I still have over 400 calories left and I'm done eating. I know it's not good to eat to few calories but I didn't want to eat my whole dinner!! I got full off my coffee. I'm hoping to get some exercise this weekend!!

I am do close!!

I'm almost there!! Almost lost my first 50 lbs. I am very happy about that. It has not been easy but I made it this far. I want to keep on going until I hit my goal. I have never been close to my goal for 20 something years. I have so far to go to get there but I can't focus on where I have to go I have to focus on how far I have come. I want to get there so bad. I will get there. I know I will I just have to keep pushing through. Victory will be mine!!

I don't know what my problem has been lately. I guess all the bad news and bad stuff that has been going on lately I just haven't really felt like writing much. I have been trying to at least say something. Life is just very depressing right now! I'll get over it.

I'm still hanging in there

I was struggling the last few days I have had a very difficult week. Part of me wanted to let go. Thank God it was only a small part of me. I have a mission and I intend to complete that mission. It is hard sometimes people around me that need to lose weight are not continuing to stick with it. I helps when you have support and encouragement. Oh well they don't have nearly as much weight to lose as I have to. Even if they were going strong they would be done losing their weight way before I am even going to be close. I guess I for this fat on my own I have to lose it all on my own too.........

I feel hungry today

Last night for the first time in a while I went over my calories. It wasn't that much and usually when I walk I have more calories that I can consume buy u didn't walk last night! I could have gone way, way over but I was able to refrain from doing so. Thank God!! So today I'm bored at work and want to eat more but so far I'm hanging tight.

I had a horrible night last night. Or I guess I should say horrible early morning hours. My husband who works for a trucking company that delivers lumber has drivers that work for him and last night one if the drivers lost control of the truck and hit a wall and the truck exploded and the driver was killed. His boss called him at 3 a.m. To let him know. I was awake with him and it felt like someone punched me in the gut.

Then today I found out the owner of the company I work for has terminal lung cancer.

Sometimes life seems unfair.

Looking back

So I was flipping through my weight journal and I just realized I am right now at the lowest weight since the last 4 years. I think it's really the last 7 years because that was the last time I lost a lot of weight. Didn't start weight journal till 2008. I am 9 lbs lower then the lowest weight in my journal. That's amazing!! In the next month or so I will weigh less than I did 7 years ago. I can not wait till I get 1) below the less than 100 lbs to lose. Don't have any idea when the last time I got there. 2) under 200 lbs pretty sure I have not seen that for 20 something years!! That will be so awesome!! I will get there I can feel it.

I am free to live!

I am so excited I just added it up and I am only 14lbs away from what I was the last time I lost a bunch of weight back in 2005. That's so awesome. It feels so good! I feel so confidant too like I know I'm going to get that 14lbs off and keep at it. In the past I would have been thinking when I hit the 50 lb loss which should be In a week or so I would be taking a break. Not this time I'm so motivated!! I am doing things I never ever have done before.

So I am free!!

All aboard!

I finally got my daughter back on board.  She started yesterday.  I hope that it sticks this time she started myfitnesspal back in May when I did and she didn't  last very long.  I have been unfortunately been giving her a hard time lately about her late night snacking. I know she is an adult but its hard watching you children make the same mistakes that you did.  Well she started again yesterday.  I want us to be a better example to her daughter.  So she doesn't have to go through this also.  I had to drag her out for a walk last night.  She said she wasn't feeling well but I finally convinced her to walk with me.  She was glad she did afterwards she thanked me even though she wanted to punch me before we left. We only went for a short walk  but it was better then nothing.  I am 3 1/2 months in to this I have lost 47 lbs so far I have to much more energy its incredible.  I love it!! 

I want to eat something

I am trying not to eat any snacks after dinner. I have been doing pretty good lately. But tonight I really want a snack but luckily due to my super human strength. Hahaha I will resist!! I'm not giving in to temptation! And boy does it feel good!! It's not that I don't still have plenty of calories. I do but I know eating late at night is what helped get me here already. So for tonight I fought the food and I WON! Yay! It has taken me all if my adult life 32 years of battling my weight to finally be a winner at this losing game! Ding ding ding!!! I'm getting it done.

What a crazy out of the ordinary weekend!

Lets see where to begin.  I have learned so much lately.  I am working on trusting myself with how far I have come, that maybe just maybe, I am different this time?  Dare I say it out loud?  That means that this has to happen right??  I have learned that if I am doing everything in my power to stay on my plan and I have stomach issues that won't allow me to expel my weight loss. I will not let the scale control me.  I can not control mother nature.  I can however control what goes into my mouth and how much exercise I get.  So guess what scale you don't own me! Just like the food does not own me anymore.  It's my turn I'm taking my life back!!  I have been beating myself up lately because of all the abuse I have done to my body.  I can't go back and change things but I can change my future.

Friday was ok I did have a pity party for myself and invited my husband to join in, much to his dismay.  I have been going to the drs a lot lately and had so many tests.  So far all good. Thank God!  I guess I got my feelings hurt because I felt like my husband and my two daughters should have asked me if I had got any results from the last test I had done.. No one asked about it?  I felt like they take me for granted everyone is so wrapped in there own problems no one seems to care about mine! 

Saturday I actually went on the metro to go to DC with my daughters and granddaughter.  My husnband was helping his brother with something sothe girls and I planned a day outing.  I would have never, ever, did I say ever? wanted to go anywhere that required much walking.  I was felt pretty confident since I have been going walking almost everyday.  It felt so good to be able to enjoy that with my girls.  We had a good time.  My granddaughter wanted to be carried a lot so we took turns and even though she only weighs about 32lbs it was still hard and it was hot outside so that made it worse.  I can really tell a big difference in my energy level and being able to walk and not get so tired.  It was getting late and we had not eaten for  about 5 hours so we started looking for a place to eat.  We found a hole in the wall was probably not the best food choice I should have eaten but I ordered a steak and cheese and fries.  I gave half of the sub to my daughter and ate a few fries.  I knew I could have splurged if I wanted to we ended up walking for at least 4.5 hours that day.  I am learning not to over induldge when I feel I have deserved it.  what kind of reward is that?  Its the kind that got me to pack on at one point in time 200 lbs more then I should have.  I am greatful to say......... I am now only 125lbs more then I should be.  It feels weird to say that only 125......... that is still so much to think about losing!  I need to focus on how far I have come and not so much how far I still need to go.  That can be rather overwhelming.  So after we dropped off my oldest daughter we headed home.  When we were about 1 mile from home we almost got into a very serious accident.  A sherriff's car made a u turn right in front of us I had to slam on my breaks and swerve to the other lane to avoid hitting him.  It was such a close call.  How scarey.  Thank God for taking over the wheel cause I could have lost control of the car also.  We made it home safe, shook up, and thankful. 

Sunday went to church.  My sunday school teacher was out of town and I volenteered to take over the class but..... the only person in the class was me and hubby.  Someone else showed up later but I was praising God just being able to be there and not in the hospital or even worse.....
I found out last week someone I care about deeply in our church was diagnosed with inoperable stage 4 cancer I am devastated to hear about that.  So what does all this add up to?  A complete and utter breakdown.  I unloaded on my sister.  I told her how it was unfair about the cancer.  My dad is still recovering slowly from his stomach cancer surgery in April.  I told her how I felt taken for granted.  I told her all the regrets I have for the time I've lost in my lifetime because of my unhealthy relationship with food.  It all spilled out.  It overflowed and it felt great.  I had a pit in my stomach most of the day and it was finally gone. 

Monday I am loving my life.  I am a few pounds away from losing the first 50lbs and guess what?  No breaks are planned no celebratory meal.  JUST 50LBS CLOSER TO MY GOAL. AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

I'm feeling better everyday

I love how losing weight makes me feel..... I love how the pants I'm wearing that I could not have fit into a few months ago are already getting loose.  I love that I'm starting to feel my knee bones.  I love how my quadruple chins are down to double.  I like how when I lay on my back I can still breath.  I love how my stomach feels so much better when I lay down flat. 

So why have I done this so many times before and over and over and over again??  I really don't understand why I don't want to keep going?  There is no reason not to.  It's not like any food there is tastes as good as how it feels to be getting smaller everyday.  The energy it gives you not to haul around all the extra lbs.  Why is it when the scale doesn't reflect how good I'm doing do it let it define how I feel?  How can a number mean so much?  Why cant it just be enough knowing how you feel and how you are making good choices??  I told my husband that even though I am doing so well right now and being so strong I'm afraid in a month from now or two months from now I will lose my focus and give up?


I am going to keep giving it everything I have this time to continue to lose all this weight once and for all.  But I also know it won't be over then.  I will have to continue to watch everything I eat forever!!

I'm ok with that!

I am struggling today

I'm doing EVERYTHING right but the scale isn't cooperating.  I'm frustrated but not giving up.  Guess I will see how the rest of the week is goes?

Monday

I'm doing ok today not to busy at work so I find myself wanting to eat. I don't know why boredom causes me to want to eat? I'm thankful I'm still in a good place that even when I want to snack I keep a good amount of healthy and/or low calorie snacks to keep me in line. I am now starting on my 4th month of tracking all my daily calories. This is most definitely a record for me if I can keep this up for 6 months then I know I've turned a corner. One in the right direction for a change. Life is so much sweeter when food is just fuel and not a reward or comfort. I'm reading a book and I have learned some very interesting things. Things I have never given a lot if thought to.

God is my support, my wisdom, my control and deliverer. He is with me he will get me to the end and he has so many great things in store for me when I get to where he needs me to be.

Thank you Jesus for loving incomplete people!

Coming along way but.........

So I am still going strong and making good choices. I am thrilled about the weight I have lost 44lbs now since April. I feel so much better for sure. I don't think I realize how much better it feels when I move around. Just getting off the couch is a struggle some days when you weigh almost 300lbs. But not anymore. Last week I carried my granddaughter up the stairs she only weighs 35lbs it was much easier then it used to be but I thought wow! This is how much I used to carry up everyday and more! That felt good!!! So here is the but...... When I walk by a mirror and see my profile my stomach is still so big!! I know it has gone down sooooo much since I started but when I see that, it's like I haven't even begun. I know it's going to take so much more time to get where I want to, need to be. I WILL get there. Now on the other hand..... Because with me the glass is always half full. I do like the way I look from the front view. Or should I say as I told my husband a few weeks ago. I'm not loving what I see in the mirror but I don't hate it either!! That's an accomplishment. Yesterday my husband said wow you are really moving your seat up much closer the you used to. He reminded me that I used to complain when I got in after him that he had my seat up so close. He said now when he gets in he has to move it back. Hehe!! So many things are changing on my body I can feel my knee bone sticking out more which I love. I have for so many years have has such fat knees and legs. That's the worst. Well I'm getting somewhere. I just need to keep it going. Can't wait to see all the many more changes my body will keep making. I absolutely LOVE it. It actually feels go to be me.........

I had a major crisis at steak and shake yesterday. On the way there I was looking up calories of their menu items. I had kind of narrowed it down as to what I would order. (I do this before we go anywhere to eat) I think planning ahead helps to make good choices. So anyways. I got in there and threw all caution to the wind and saw a skillet breakfast. It had portabello mushrooms eggs cheese hash browns so I
went for it. Then she said what would you like with it? Toast, bagel, PANCAKES?? So even tho pancakes are not a huge thing for me I ordered them. I figured I could use sugar free syrup. Anyways after the waitress leaves I look up the calories and it says 1040 calories. Omg! I started to have a complete panic attack!! Just the night before I had been thinking about that. I don't think I could ever even If I allowed myself. Even if God told me they wouldn't count, even if I had run 10 miles would I ever eat a 2000 calorie meal. Not even 1000 calories. So here I was ordering a 1040 calorie breakfast plus pancakes. What was I thinking. Who was that person who ordered that meal without even checking first?? Not me! Not the new me! So in a panic mode when the waitress stopped by to bring more coffee I asked her if it were to late to change my order?? After a few times going back and forth she assured me it wasn't a problem if u changed it. Thank God! So I ordered something with only 330 calories whew. Crisis averted!! YES!!

McDonalds stinks!

I ordered large coffee with 3 cream and 4 Splenda ( I used to get 5 creams and 5 Splenda). But now that I know 1 of those little creamers is 20 calories I cut back. Well I got BLACK coffee yuck. I put some Splenda in it and drank half of it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

And that's the new me..................

I'm living and loving life again! I haven't had the best 2 weeks kind of at a stand still I did however lose 2.4 lbs finally. I could understand if I was eating too many calories but I have been tracking every single bite! Literally!! Anyways I'm going to keep going strong I have a mission........

The people you hate

You know those people you hate that? The ones that can open a bag of chips and only eat a few! Well guess what that's me!!!! Yep hate me please! Haha. I have done that. Yes I have done it more then once too! Because I count every single calorie I put in my mouth I am very careful. I bought a new Pringles can on tues franks red hot. So yummy. I have eaten a total of 13 chips. I ate 7 the first time 3 the next time and 3 again today on my way home. They have 10 calories per chip. So I'm careful. Well anyways I just wanted to put that out there..........

I am redeemed!

I am set free! That is my new motto I found a song that has set me free.


Songwriters: COWART, BENJI / WEAVER, MICHAEL

Seems like all I can see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight that's already been won"


I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off theses heavy chains
Wipe away every stain now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"
I remember oh God, You're not done with me yet

I don't have to be the old man inside of me
Cause his day is long dead and gone
I've got a new name, a new life I'm not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

God is with me every step of the way he is not only right beside me he is a few steps in front of me. I know now and am confident that I will get through this I truly feel it in my heart. I can't keep worrying about the ghost in my past..........

The faces I want to forget

Well really I never want to forget what I have done to myself. But what I have accomplished and what I will continue to accomplish.

I'm holding on strong

I was disappointed again today when I got on the scale and the lb I dropped again was back plus .4. So did I get discouraged yes!! Will it change any thing about how I will eat no!! No mater what that scale says everyday I will not let that be an excuse to give up I am determined to push through this day after day!! Week after week. Month after month. I'm gonna win! This fight once and for all! And when I do I'm going to help so many other people do this too! But I will not take any of the credit I will give all the Glory to the Lord!! The one that has always been there for me the one that's getting me through this step by step.

So I started thinking about people who have not said a word to me about the 42lbs I've lost since April. I feel like so they not see or do they just not care? Or am I so fat that fat is fat is fat?? Ok so I'm just less fat! Why do I care If they care?? Is it going to change anything? Am I doing it for them? Why do I feel like I need recognition? So I'm not going to let that define me anymore.................