Looking back

So I was flipping through my weight journal and I just realized I am right now at the lowest weight since the last 4 years. I think it's really the last 7 years because that was the last time I lost a lot of weight. Didn't start weight journal till 2008. I am 9 lbs lower then the lowest weight in my journal. That's amazing!! In the next month or so I will weigh less than I did 7 years ago. I can not wait till I get 1) below the less than 100 lbs to lose. Don't have any idea when the last time I got there. 2) under 200 lbs pretty sure I have not seen that for 20 something years!! That will be so awesome!! I will get there I can feel it.

I am free to live!

I am so excited I just added it up and I am only 14lbs away from what I was the last time I lost a bunch of weight back in 2005. That's so awesome. It feels so good! I feel so confidant too like I know I'm going to get that 14lbs off and keep at it. In the past I would have been thinking when I hit the 50 lb loss which should be In a week or so I would be taking a break. Not this time I'm so motivated!! I am doing things I never ever have done before.

So I am free!!

All aboard!

I finally got my daughter back on board.  She started yesterday.  I hope that it sticks this time she started myfitnesspal back in May when I did and she didn't  last very long.  I have been unfortunately been giving her a hard time lately about her late night snacking. I know she is an adult but its hard watching you children make the same mistakes that you did.  Well she started again yesterday.  I want us to be a better example to her daughter.  So she doesn't have to go through this also.  I had to drag her out for a walk last night.  She said she wasn't feeling well but I finally convinced her to walk with me.  She was glad she did afterwards she thanked me even though she wanted to punch me before we left. We only went for a short walk  but it was better then nothing.  I am 3 1/2 months in to this I have lost 47 lbs so far I have to much more energy its incredible.  I love it!! 

I want to eat something

I am trying not to eat any snacks after dinner. I have been doing pretty good lately. But tonight I really want a snack but luckily due to my super human strength. Hahaha I will resist!! I'm not giving in to temptation! And boy does it feel good!! It's not that I don't still have plenty of calories. I do but I know eating late at night is what helped get me here already. So for tonight I fought the food and I WON! Yay! It has taken me all if my adult life 32 years of battling my weight to finally be a winner at this losing game! Ding ding ding!!! I'm getting it done.

What a crazy out of the ordinary weekend!

Lets see where to begin.  I have learned so much lately.  I am working on trusting myself with how far I have come, that maybe just maybe, I am different this time?  Dare I say it out loud?  That means that this has to happen right??  I have learned that if I am doing everything in my power to stay on my plan and I have stomach issues that won't allow me to expel my weight loss. I will not let the scale control me.  I can not control mother nature.  I can however control what goes into my mouth and how much exercise I get.  So guess what scale you don't own me! Just like the food does not own me anymore.  It's my turn I'm taking my life back!!  I have been beating myself up lately because of all the abuse I have done to my body.  I can't go back and change things but I can change my future.

Friday was ok I did have a pity party for myself and invited my husband to join in, much to his dismay.  I have been going to the drs a lot lately and had so many tests.  So far all good. Thank God!  I guess I got my feelings hurt because I felt like my husband and my two daughters should have asked me if I had got any results from the last test I had done.. No one asked about it?  I felt like they take me for granted everyone is so wrapped in there own problems no one seems to care about mine! 

Saturday I actually went on the metro to go to DC with my daughters and granddaughter.  My husnband was helping his brother with something sothe girls and I planned a day outing.  I would have never, ever, did I say ever? wanted to go anywhere that required much walking.  I was felt pretty confident since I have been going walking almost everyday.  It felt so good to be able to enjoy that with my girls.  We had a good time.  My granddaughter wanted to be carried a lot so we took turns and even though she only weighs about 32lbs it was still hard and it was hot outside so that made it worse.  I can really tell a big difference in my energy level and being able to walk and not get so tired.  It was getting late and we had not eaten for  about 5 hours so we started looking for a place to eat.  We found a hole in the wall was probably not the best food choice I should have eaten but I ordered a steak and cheese and fries.  I gave half of the sub to my daughter and ate a few fries.  I knew I could have splurged if I wanted to we ended up walking for at least 4.5 hours that day.  I am learning not to over induldge when I feel I have deserved it.  what kind of reward is that?  Its the kind that got me to pack on at one point in time 200 lbs more then I should have.  I am greatful to say......... I am now only 125lbs more then I should be.  It feels weird to say that only 125......... that is still so much to think about losing!  I need to focus on how far I have come and not so much how far I still need to go.  That can be rather overwhelming.  So after we dropped off my oldest daughter we headed home.  When we were about 1 mile from home we almost got into a very serious accident.  A sherriff's car made a u turn right in front of us I had to slam on my breaks and swerve to the other lane to avoid hitting him.  It was such a close call.  How scarey.  Thank God for taking over the wheel cause I could have lost control of the car also.  We made it home safe, shook up, and thankful. 

Sunday went to church.  My sunday school teacher was out of town and I volenteered to take over the class but..... the only person in the class was me and hubby.  Someone else showed up later but I was praising God just being able to be there and not in the hospital or even worse.....
I found out last week someone I care about deeply in our church was diagnosed with inoperable stage 4 cancer I am devastated to hear about that.  So what does all this add up to?  A complete and utter breakdown.  I unloaded on my sister.  I told her how it was unfair about the cancer.  My dad is still recovering slowly from his stomach cancer surgery in April.  I told her how I felt taken for granted.  I told her all the regrets I have for the time I've lost in my lifetime because of my unhealthy relationship with food.  It all spilled out.  It overflowed and it felt great.  I had a pit in my stomach most of the day and it was finally gone. 

Monday I am loving my life.  I am a few pounds away from losing the first 50lbs and guess what?  No breaks are planned no celebratory meal.  JUST 50LBS CLOSER TO MY GOAL. AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

I'm feeling better everyday

I love how losing weight makes me feel..... I love how the pants I'm wearing that I could not have fit into a few months ago are already getting loose.  I love that I'm starting to feel my knee bones.  I love how my quadruple chins are down to double.  I like how when I lay on my back I can still breath.  I love how my stomach feels so much better when I lay down flat. 

So why have I done this so many times before and over and over and over again??  I really don't understand why I don't want to keep going?  There is no reason not to.  It's not like any food there is tastes as good as how it feels to be getting smaller everyday.  The energy it gives you not to haul around all the extra lbs.  Why is it when the scale doesn't reflect how good I'm doing do it let it define how I feel?  How can a number mean so much?  Why cant it just be enough knowing how you feel and how you are making good choices??  I told my husband that even though I am doing so well right now and being so strong I'm afraid in a month from now or two months from now I will lose my focus and give up?


I am going to keep giving it everything I have this time to continue to lose all this weight once and for all.  But I also know it won't be over then.  I will have to continue to watch everything I eat forever!!

I'm ok with that!

I am struggling today

I'm doing EVERYTHING right but the scale isn't cooperating.  I'm frustrated but not giving up.  Guess I will see how the rest of the week is goes?